I have been talking to a senior STC official. “We’re all set,” he said enthusiastically, “SCI is fully geared to import cows from Europe and the Commerce Ministry has already signed a pact with the EU countries for this purpose. We’re only waiting for the final green signal from the PMO to go ahead and tie up the nuts and bolts details.”

“What’ll the mechanics of the operation be like?” I asked.

“Well,” said the STC official, “Starting June 1st, managers of our European offices will fan out and start rounding up stray cattle blocking the busy morning rush hour traffic on the Geneva – Strasbourg super expressway and the Dusseldorf – Frankfurt autobahn.”

“Do cows in Europe block roads like they do in India?” I asked incredulously.

“Of course they do,” said the STC official irritably, “Cows are the same everywhere. Okay, after rounding up the strays, our managers will drive them to a central collection point set up on Champs Elysees in Paris opposite the French Presidential Mansion.”

“What happens then?” I asked , “Will they be put aboard specially fitted air – conditioned ships for onward transport to India?”

After the cows reach India sometime during the latter half of the 33rd century, we’ll distribute them among progressive Indian dairy farmers and the country should witness a quantum leap in milk output.

“No,” said the STC official, “Our managers, assisted by expert herdsmen will drive them overland through Germany, Greece, Turkey, Iran and Afghanistan and through the Khyber Pass into Pakistan and then through the Wagah check – post into India. After the cows reach India sometime during the latter half of the 33rd century, we’ll distribute them among progressive Indian dairy farmers and the country should witness a quantum leap in milk output.”

“So this is what you mean by canalizing the imports through STC,” I said.

“That’s right,” said the official.

“Do you think importing cows from Europe makes commercial sense?” I asked.

“I’m sure it does,” said the STC official knowledgeably, “According to the Union Agriculture Ministry, each European cow yields 30 litres per day.”

“30 litres of what?” I asked incredulously, “Milk?”

“No, urine and as a value add – on spin – off from the deal, the dung from the cows being imported and therefore naturally superior can be sold at cost to pavement dwellers who use public walls and pathways to splatter cow dung cakes. I’m sure it will warm the cockles of your heart to hear Indian dairy farmers telling one another excitedly, “Have you heard the latest about my Spanish heifer?” and “You ought to come over and see my French bull.”

“I’m sure it will,” I said, “But one last question – Has STC given a name to the deal to import cattle from Europe?” I asked.

“Yes,” said the STC official, “We propose to call it ‘Operation BullSh**’

S. Raghunath