Familiarly addressing me by name, the missive went on to tell me that DI had undertaken an “epochal” and “stupendous” task of compiling a directory of all the “eminent” and “greatest” living Indians and would I please cooperate in making the venture a success?

I was gratuitously informed that the ‘August Editorial Board” of DI, after “due” and “diligent” consideration had decided to include my name in the proposed directory because my “awesome”, “brilliant” and “path – breaking” achievements were an “inspiration” to the present and future generations.

I was asked to fill in a 10 page questionnaire and return it, pronto to DI with a passport sized photograph and a draft of `5,000 to cover “administrative overheads” and “block – making expenses”.

I rechecked the address to make sure that it was indeed addressed to me. There was no doubt that it was and I let out a wild whoop of joy.

I could imagine banner headlines on the commercial pages – ‘Egg Emperor to go Multinational’ and ‘Poultry Potentate Corners the Chicken Feed Market’ and ‘Chicken Czar to add a Thousand Birds to His Flock’.

I pondered for a while. What were those “achievements” of mine that had found favour with the “Editorial Board”? Oh, yes, I knew. In January, I had broken an orderly bus queue and made a mad dash for the bus 6 times in a single day and in March, I had spat betel juice across a hundred feet road and the stains of this feat can still be seen and just last week I had played my new hi – fi stereo at 300 decibels thereby disturbing the entire neighbourhood. These are the “achievements” that usually confer “greatness” on we Indians and no doubt, they had swung the “Editorial Board’s” decision in my favour.

I got down to fillin in the questionnaire. Against the column ‘Interest in Life’ I shot my cuffs and wrote with a flourish – Zen Buddhism, Reiki, Transcendental meditation and Tantric yoga and in the column ‘Aim in Life’ I wrote – To spread peace, goodwill and amity among my fellow human beings.” That was the stuff to give the troops.

The questionnaire, with a passport sized photograph and a draft of `5,000 was soon winging its way to distant Aligarh.

Six months elapsed and there was no word from DI and an anxious query elicited that response block – making expenses had risen sharply following budgetary imposts on zinc, copper and bronze and would I please fork out another `5,000? Fancy one of the “greatest” living Indians being bothered by picayune talk about “guruji” stuff like copper and zinc and this at a time when I was putting on the dog in no uncertain manner.

More than a year has passed and there is still no word from DI and I have become the butt of ribald jokes and ceaseless ribbing from my friends who keep telling me that I have been taken for a ‘de luxe’ ride and that I am in the hole to the tune of `10,000 but I remain unfazed and serenely confident that the directory will be out by the Year of the Lord 2090 and will become an instant national and international best – seller.

S. Raghunath