Disregarding anguished pleas by his friends and relatives that they would rather listen to the official commentary, the Cricket Expert will proceed to provide a non-stop ‘critique’ of the game

The test season will find the Cricket Expert in full and facile flow and no aspect of the game will escape his acerbic and astringent tongue. Armed with a formidable battery of statistics and an impeccable recall of the 1929-30 season when Larwood and Johnston were bowling at their fiery fastest, he will proceed to make a devastating dissection of the merits and de-merits of the two opposing teams and none dare challenge lightly his authoritative pronouncements on the  state of  the pitch (“use of the medium roller will result in the pitch at the pavilion end to rumble during the post-tea session on the 4th day and assist unorthodox left-arm leg-spinners to send down googlies disguised as a Chinaman”) or the condition of the outfield (“heavy skies will cause extra cover drives and square cuts played off the back foot to be slowed down”).

Never mind that the nearest to practical cricket that the Cricket Expert has been to was when a few urchins playing the game in a by lane had hollered at him to throw them back their rubber ball that had run on to the main road. The Cricket Expert is a plague- like infliction on his near and dear relatives (or ‘survivors’ if you prefer) and television has come like a godsend to him. A full half an hour before the game is due to start, he will hog the screen pulling his chair a mere 2 feet from the set disregarding the manufacturer’s recommendation that the ideal viewing distance is 20 times the screen size. As the game gets underway, he will squint and peer intently at the screen with his myopic eyes to see if the field placement is up to his exacting standards. He will shake his head censoriously and growl dangerously. “No, no that won’t do at all. Denis Comptikn would never have set a defensive field like that when the light roller has been taken. Deep third man ought to be finer ready to take a miskewed skier, forward short-leg moved to widish extra cover and point removed in favour of a third slip.” He will continue his intent scrutiny for that tell-tale patch at the far end that proves to be the batsmen’s Waterloo during the 20 mandatory overs.

Disregarding anguished pleas by his friends and relatives that they would rather listen to the official commentary, the Cricket Expert will proceed to provide a non-stop ‘critique’ of the game from the start of the day’s play till the draw of stumps. Munching on homemade pop corn, he will gratuitously throw in priceless asides for the scholarly edification of his trapped audience. “Remind me to tell you about the time Keith Miller bowled a vicious bouncer at Len Hutton and Hutton forgot to duck” or he will hold forth with a masterly soliloquy on the technical intricacies of ICC’s new front-foot rule.

Only a late out swinger pitched just outside the off stump and turning sharply to rap on the front pad just as he is shaping up for a delectable square drive off and back foot can get the Cricket Expert out.