- growing toenails at the tax payer’s expense once they are elected.

“The doctor will see you now.”

“Come in, Mr. Aya Ram. Your colleague Mr. Gaya Ram has just been in to see me. I understand that you’re going to contest the coming Lok Sabha polls and you want a certificate of medical fitness.”

“Let me check your weight. Kindly step on the scales over there. Oh! You weigh just 25 kgs, a light – weight. You’re cut out for a high end political career and an elective office.”

“Now stick out your tongue. Oh! You’ve got a forked tongue so the art of double speak should come easy for you.”

Can you read the letters on that chart over there? You can’t because you are illiterate and have never attended a day of school? Oh boy, how can anyone doubt your fitness for high elective office?

“Show me your palms. No, I’m not going to read it and predict if you’ll be inducted into the Cabinet and made the excise and taxes minister. Once you’ve been elected, you can expect your palms to be constantly greased by favour seekers and I want to study their subcutaneous texture. My word, quite a pair of palms you’ve got there. They will be able to take a tremendous amount of greasing without attracting the unpleasant attention of the CBI and the anti – corruption bureau.”

“Now for the lungs test. Your lungs must be in fine shape if you’re to conduct yourself effectively as a people’s representative. Take a deep breath and shout and bawl at the top of your voice. Ah, that’s good, you’ve caused the plaster to peel off the ceiling and you’ll catch the Speaker’s eye and make your mark as an MP in the Lok Sabha.”

“Let me check the joints in your arm. Gesticulate wildly and hysterically at an imaginary opponent who has accused you on the floor of the Lok Sabha of massive and unprecedented corruption and misuse of public office to amass wealth and stashing it away in Swiss banks. Your joints are supple and there’s no sign of rheumatism and ortho – arthritis.”

“Now for the eye test. Can you read the letters on that chart over there? You can’t because you are illiterate and have never attended a day of school? Oh boy, how can anyone doubt your fitness for high elective office?”

“Do you suffer from air sickness or sea sickness? Once you’ve been elected, you’ll be required to take off on round – the – world junkets at public expense once every 15 days. You don’t? That’s good.”

“Now for the most important part of this examination - the skull test. Shake your head vigorously up and down and from side to side. I don’t hear anything, that means that your skull is empty and also that you have passed this examination with flying colours.”

“Thank you Mr. Aya Ram. You have been most cooperative and let me say that in my 25 years of practice, I’ve never seen a finer specimen seeking an elective office. Please call again tomorrow and I’ll have your certificate of medical fitness all ready and signed.

“Nurse, kindly show Mr. Aya Ram out.”